Am I enough?

I was in the office when I looked at a mirror and suddenly couldn’t recognize the girl standing in front of me. She was tired. She looked different. Somehow my mind has detached itself to analyse the situation as a third person. Where the mind starts judging the body. The heart starts doubting the brain.

I have had high functioning anxiety from when I was a kid. To excel had become a habit. Of course, there are far greater people than I, for my age. But, it was a compulsion to be the best wherever I was. And I fed the compulsion healthily. Initially, I would tell myself it was to make my family proud. But the truth was that I wanted it.

The thrill of acing. There was none like it. To finish things to the best extent within deadline. To feel the adrenaline course through me as I channeled complete focus. These are my drugs. I am someone so curious, that I want to know it all and better than all.

(I may sound like a douche, but I am actually nice. My friends think so, at least.)

So, this anxiety is eating me alive because of the decisions that I took in the past, near and far. It feels as though all I achieved is going to the bin. I ask myself as to what I have reduced to. A girl who had big elegant dreams. A woman who had so much to conquer. Had. In the past.

Now, the early 20s are making me feel like I am running out of time to prove myself to the world. If I was going to turn into a disappointment. To my family. To my Teachers. To all those who had high hopes on me. Hopes that I would break the norms and become someone they could be proud of.

You know what my problem actually is? I want everything. I still want to be a lawyer. A journalist. A historian . A teacher. A businesswoman. A mechanic. All of it.

Why is it that people ask what your dream is, when you are 10? I still don’t have an answer. Making career choices at 17, the highly dysfunctional age, isn’t the smartest thing to do. I do regret some of my decisions. But time doesn’t rewind for anyone.

I know I have time. Time to pursue all I want to. But the practicality of it, how long will I go on like this?

You may be thinking that I am far blessed than so many. Yes, I am. I help my share of people with what I can. You may think I want the luxury because I have the necessity. But what if your luxury is my necessity, mentally speaking? I need this state of mind, to be normal. To function like everyone else.

I fear.

If I am anxious already, what would become of me in 5 years? Is this all leading up to anything? Even now, I know that some days from now, I will definitely laugh at what I have written. Being optimistic helps. I hope it is a passing phase.

But How much longer till I break?